Memories of Fire
by Alexiel Reborn
Summary: Kurama wakes up to find he remembers nothing, even his name. The only one by his side to lead him through the fire of painful memories that begin to flood inside of him is a familiar pair of red eyes, a certain demon named Hiei. Yaoi. Angsty.
1. Echoing Silence

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters don't belong to me.  
  
Author's Notes: If anyone's used this idea, like the memory loss thing, than I apologize. I just figure that it's probably been done before and I'm not meaning to copy anyone. This is my interpretation of it.  
  
Summary: Kurama wakes up to find he remembers nothing, even his name. The only one by his side to lead him through the fire of painful memories that begin to flood inside of him is a familiar pair of red eyes, a certain demon named Hiei. Yaoi. Angsty.  
  
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Chapter One: Echoing Silence.  
  
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I awoke. I can feel a slight pressure on my burning forehead. It's cool and soothing. I remain with my eyes closed, not wanting the comforting dark to disappear.  
  
Then all the sudden it hits me. Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here? My eyes snap open. The light blinds me at first, but soon I adjust to the brightness of the room.  
  
I'm staring into deep fire red eyes. I blink and a man's features come into focus. He's a short skinny man with spiky black hair and a scowl on his almost cruel looking face. For some reason the cold chill of his spirit energy is somehow comforting to me as though it is very well-known to me.  
  
He is peering at me as though searching for something in my face. "Kurama...Kurama?" he asks me, reaching out his hand to touch my cheek with one finger. His face shows no expression, but for some reason I get the feeling that he is worried for me.  
  
Kurama...That name seems familiar. I guess that must be my name. He is talking to me after all.  
  
I sat up, the thin blanket that I was lying under sliding down to my waist. I feel the sudden chill of the room and I look down at myself. My chest is bare with only a few bloodied bandages to cover it. Was I hurt? I don't feel too bad. My head is aching terribly though.  
  
I was about to swing my legs off of the bed before realizing that I wasn't wearing anything on my lower half. I pause, unsure, wondering what the hell was going on. The man gently places a hand on my leg as though telling me not to get up. I obey this gesture by lying back, only to jar my body as I land carelessly back onto the bed. The pain's coming back to me now and I begin to wince.  
  
A strand of fiery red hair falls down softly against my cheek. Carefully, I pick it up and run it through my hands, surprised. I don't remember having such red hair, but then again I can't remember anything else.  
  
The man is watching me as I do this. I turn my gaze towards him. His continual watching is making me nervous. I cough slightly. I wish he would introduce himself or at least tell me something about who I am or where I am. Instead he reaches over to a table that is beside the bed I am laying on. Carefully he hands me a glass filled with some sort of liquid. I reach out a hand to take it and our fingers brush against each other slightly. I feel something jolt within me at the physical contact and I turn to him wondering.  
  
I look into his eyes searching for any trace of emotion or hint that would reveal to me what relation he had to me.  
  
Finally my calm state begins to crack. The hand holding my glass begins to shake slightly. Where am I? Who am I?! I want to scream these words out so that they echo across the silence of the room. I want to feel them reverberate against the walls of my prison in which I am caged from the truth.  
  
My face contorts in pain and confusion. I want the man to understand me. I want him to know the terrible emptiness I am feeling inside. I'm relieved to find that he seems to know what I'm feeling because he gently reaches out and grips my shoulder, steadying me.  
  
I look down at the liquid inside my cup. My throat is parched so I take a little sip. The liquid has a slight herbal taste, but I ignore that as it soothes my sore throat. The man takes the glass from me when I finish and sets it back down on the table top. Then he turns to look at me once more as though expecting something.  
  
He's so silent, so terribly silent. I want to know who he is! I want to know what's happening! I can feel tears start to burn in my eyes and my throat begins to ache. I try to hold them back, but I'm not strong enough to hold the flood. A lone tear struggles out of my grasp and rolls down my cheek.  
  
The man, he reaches out to brush away the tear almost tenderly. I look at him in surprise. There is absolutely no emotion in his face, but I can feel it boiling within him.  
  
His lips part and he finally gives me that tidbit of information that I've been longing for, his name.  
  
"Hiei." He says this slowly and intensely as though my response means everything to him. I know he's talking about himself though, by the look in his eyes. I know he's searching my own eyes for any sign of recognition, he wants me to remember something. I can see desperation begin to form in his scarlet eyes when I don't respond. He sets his hands on my shoulders like he's pleading me to remember.  
  
Through the silence I can feel the powerful heat of his fear beginning to grow. I shiver and slowly shake my head signaling that I do not recognize him, that I can't remember.  
  
My actions seem to cut into him agonizingly for he begins to tremble. It's barely noticeable, but I can sense it. I can tell he's hurting inside.  
  
I wonder why he's so upset. Were we close? Is it possible that this 'Hiei' as he calls himself, actually meant something special to me? I don't know...I just don't know.  
  
I can't know. I search my mind frantically only to find that it is empty...completely empty. There's nothing left, but a void where the memories of my life should have been. I dig even further inside of me till I feel that I am beginning to burn. A faint memory is almost within my grasp, but as soon as I clasp onto the scrap of recollection, it blazed into scattered traces.  
  
I can't find my memories. It's like they've been locked away from me on purpose. The deeper I dig the more the fire licks at me and burns me from the inside out.  
  
I relinquish my search for now, frustrated with myself. I feel so weak. Why is this happening to me? Why am I like this? Tears begin to flow down my cheeks as I am unable to suppress them anymore.  
  
I'm hurting inside. I want someone to comfort me and hold me. I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I feel like the weight of everything unknown to me is crashing down on top of me and I'm about to be suffocated.  
  
A sob tears its way out my throat and I clutch my hands together trying to get these overwhelming feelings in control. Much to my surprise I feel arms gruffly wrap themselves around me. I look down at 'Hiei' and see that he is staring up at me with the oddest expression on his face. It's like he's in great pain, but doesn't know how to show it. It'd almost like he's not capable of showing it.  
  
He's pressing his face against my chest now, saying something. I can barely hear his muffled whisper, but what I can understand astounds me.  
  
"You're alive...Kurama....You're actually alive..." his voice sounds....scared. For some reason the fact that he is scared...frightens me. I don't know why, but I feel in my heart that he was never the type of person that was scared.  
  
My heart beats faster with excitement. Am I starting to remember something?! But as soon as that remembrance came, it went as though blown away from my grasp once again.  
  
"Hiei." I say slowly as I stare down at him. He looks up at me and I smile softly indicating that if I do not remember him I at least I know I should. He looks relieved at this sight.  
  
I seem to calm as I look into his eyes which have now calmed back into their normal pools of molten crimson. I let him hold onto me for a while longer, somehow finding strength in his bittersweet embrace.  
  
Author's note #2: I know you haven't found out why Kurama can't remember a thing and I haven't explained anything, but be patient. It's from Kurama's point of view and you'll learn as he learns. Also please review if you liked it. I want to know if this is something worth continuing. Thank you all very much for reading! 


	2. Moment of Weakness

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters don't belong to me.  
  
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Chapter Two: Moment of Weakness  
  
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Footsteps are heard approaching from outside the room. Hiei releases me and turns to face the door as it slowly opens. I'm left wondering who else could possibly walk through that doorway and if I've known them before. There's no way for me to really know. I hold back a lash of anger as my eyes focus to observe the small old woman who has just walked into the room.  
  
She gives me a strange look, almost as if she's annoyed. At first I think she might be annoyed with me, but then I realize that she seems more frustrated at herself. She ignores me and turns to Hiei.  
  
"It's just as I thought......isn't it?" she asks him as though I'm not even here.  
  
I don't get what she's saying. I wish they would explain something to me. Hiei seems to know what she's talking about for he nods gravely. His eyes turn to me again and I get lost in their depths, wondering what he could possibly be thinking about.  
  
Hiei looks away from me and he suddenly seems mad as though seeing the look of confusion on my face upsets him. I'll try to remember not to wear that look again, for his sake.  
  
"Genkai...how did this happen?" he says, his voice sadistic and dangerous. I see that he is clenching his right fist at his side in an attempt to control this sudden outburst of anger.  
  
The old woman, Genkai I presume, turns to look into my face. She seems somewhat hesitant to speak anything in front of me. "I don't have an answer for you at this time." She says quietly. I know she can feel my eyes on her as I watch her intently for any clue about myself.  
  
Finally I get fed up with all the damn silence. "Where am I? What happened?! What's going on?!" By the end of the sentence I'm practically screaming out each syllable. I look at them with rage in my eyes, but at the same time I'm begging them for an answer. I need that answer terribly.  
  
Genkai shakes her head warningly at Hiei as though telling him not to answer. I can feel his ki grow angered, but he nods back at her.  
  
That's it. I can't take it anymore. I snap. I stagger out of my bed, ignoring the fact that I am already feverish and I'm not wearing a thing on my body. I disregard the flashes of pain that make me cringe as I walk over to them.  
  
"TELL ME!" I scream. I'm so desperate. To know anything. I'm scared in this emptiness. It's terrifying the way I am so helplessly alone in this void.  
  
My body gives out and my knees begin to crumple. Just when I think I'm going to fall onto the hardened floor, Hiei's small body is propping me up. His hands are wrapped around my waist and the whole weight of my body is on his chest as my head rests on one of his shoulders. I know my dead weight is a burden on his small frame and I try to lift myself, but I can't gather up the strength anymore.  
  
"Tell me when he's revived again." Genkai says, her voice colder than ice. I think she's exasperated with my weakness, but I don't care. I'm starting to think I don't like her very much. I'm glad to hear the door swing close and her footsteps fade away into the distance.  
  
I start to feel embarrassment creep over me when I remember that I am totally naked in front of Hiei. He doesn't comment though as he half carries, half drags me back to the bed.  
  
I wonder why he's so gentle with me. I think he can feel my desperation and rage. I get the sense that he really just wants to comfort me, but he doesn't know how to bring himself to do it.  
  
He manages to get my weakened body back up onto the bed and covers me back up with the blankets. I'm glad for them because I'm so cold, but then yet again I wish I could just throw them off of my sweating hot skin.  
  
Hiei places a hand on my forehead and frowns. I sense worry radiating from him and also a little anger. It's almost like he's angry for me. It's so strange. I feel I don't know him at all, but it's like he knows my very soul.  
  
"Kurama....can you remember....anything?" he asks me. He's not looking me in the eye now and I can tell he's trying to hide something from me. I can sense all these things about it him, without even looking. Maybe I do know him better than I first thought.  
  
I reach out and grip his hand, wanting to have something solid to hold onto in this whirlwind of emotions. He nods at me vaguely as though he knows my answer. I can feel desperation rise in me again and I start to breathe faster as though I've just run a mile.  
  
"Please...tell me...what's happening?" I ask him turning my eyes onto his, gripping his hand harder. He's the only one in my world right now that has a small chance of understanding what I'm going through. He's the only one I can turn to for information and comfort. I don't think he knows how much I depend on him at this moment.  
  
"Not right now." He says, turning away again as though he can't stand to look at my crestfallen face.  
  
My world is shattering in this silence and I slowly blink. Why is this all being kept from me? Don't I deserve to know something about myself or how I lost all of my memories?! I loosen my hand from his and jerk it away as though I've been slapped. Of all the people I know, which only consists of two right now, I thought that he was the one I could turn to. Why is he doing this?  
  
"Why?!" I managed to say, controlling my rage and sadness. Hiei turns to look at me as though he's sizing me up. He takes a while to think before answering.  
  
"Something's are more painful than physical wounds. I don't think you're ready to know yet. I can't put you through it." If he wasn't so cold when he said it I could have almost sworn he sounded devastated, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time. I was thinking about his response.  
  
Those words only ignite the flame of my wanting. My eyes are glazing over in panic. I can't stand it any longer!!! Why is no one telling me ANYTHING! What could have possibly happened?! I want to tear myself apart. This curiosity is pushing me past the brink of sanity. It's almost like I'm clinging wildly onto what little I know to keep from being swept away.  
  
Without thinking, I reach out and grab a fistful of his shirt and bring him within my striking range. He doesn't even blink as I bring my fist up to his cheek and punch with all the force that I can muster up in the shape I'm in.  
  
He doesn't move as my fist connects. I'm surprised. I thought he would move away. He does nothing as my fist smashes into his cheek. It's like he doesn't care. I crumble inside when I see the look in his eyes. He's not mad at me, no, that isn't it. It's the disappointment in his eyes that hurts me so deeply.  
  
I stare at his right cheek which is glowing red. I know it's going to bruise badly. He just ignores it as he reaches out and takes my face in one of his hands. My eyes get wide and begin to tremble with unshed tears.  
  
"Kurama...Even if I did tell you.........you would not have those memories back......It's not as simple as that..." Hiei says slowly, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. I close my eyes against this tender touch and a tear slides down my cheek.  
  
"I can help you regain these memories......but I also don't want you to be hurt........." he says, continuing to rub his fingers against my face.  
  
I can't help but enjoy this intimacy between us. It's exactly what I need in this moment of weakness. "Why Hiei...why is this happening?" I ask. Please answer, I'm begging inside. Just this one question.  
  
He sighs and gently takes his hand away. "I will talk to you about it after you have some sleep."  
  
I feel disappointed, but not as much as before because I at least know that he's planning on telling me something. I think the main reason is that something in his touch seems so comforting to me. I don't know what it is, but I don't think I ever want to be without him again.  
  
My eyes are fluttering with tiredness now. I hadn't realized how worn out I really was. Slowly I close my eyelids and my world fades away into darkness. I can sleep safely knowing that he is by side, watching over me.  
  
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Author's Notes: Another chapter. Thank you for all of your reviews. I decided to only introduce one new character since I'm taking this very slowly. I know Hiei may seem slightly out of character, but he's really close to Kurama and they are all alone so he's a little more open. Maybe you'll actually learn something in the next chapter! Lol. Do you like how this story is going? If so, leave a review, but don't feel like you have to. (you have to though, just don't feel that way... JK) *wink* 


	3. Shattered Reflection

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters don't belong to me.  
  
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Chapter Three: Shattered Reflection  
  
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I slowly awake. I can hear soft voices in the background. I keep my eyes closed, trying to listen. They are saying something...important I think.  
  
"Kurama......are you sure?....but...you said......so he'll start remembering..." It's Hiei's voice. He sound's as cold as ever, but I can feel his ki grow somewhat excited.  
  
I hear Genkai's voice answer. "Now don't jump to conclusions. He should start to remember, but he might not be able to gain it all back. The trauma he went through was extreme. It really should have killed him in my opinion. It's a blessing that he lost his memories at this point. If he would remember what happened in his condition. I don't think he would be able to bear it."  
  
I keep my eyes closed, hoping that they will say something else. To my disappointment, I hear footsteps and I know Genkai has left once again. Reluctantly my eyelids open, searching for Hiei at my side. I can still feel his ki, but it seems to have weakened somehow.  
  
He sees that I am awake and he comes over to my side. "Are you strong enough to stand?" he asks me. I nod. I feel a lot better now that I have rested some more.  
  
Hiei doesn't say anything as he goes over to a closet and pulls out a white robe thing. I call it a white robe 'thing' because I really don't know what else to call it. He helps me into the garment, helping me get my arms into the long sleeves and wrap the cloth in the front and tie it in the back. It's very warm and comfortable. I'm glad to finally have something on my skin.  
  
"We're going on a walk." He doesn't ask, he 'says'. I don't even care anymore. Maybe he might tell me something on this 'walk'.  
  
It's funny how short he is when we walk side by side. I guess I didn't notice before. He leads me out of the door and out into a long hallway, one hand hovering near my waist in case I might need support. To my surprise I don't. I feel quite fine actually.  
  
We go down the long empty hallway. Everything is quiet. I wonder where we are. I see many doors lining the wall, but Hiei doesn't even pause by any of them. Where is he taking me? I voice my question, my voice cracking some. "Where...are we going?"  
  
Hiei raises one eyebrow and he seems to be ordering me to silence. I close my mouth, a little smile on my lips. He's so forceful sometimes, but I bet he doesn't realize how sweet he is inside.  
  
Finally we seem to reach our destination. He stops in front of a big wooden door and pushes on it lightly. As it opens light leaks through and a woods is revealed to my sight. He's leading me outdoors it seems. I stumble out the door after him.  
  
Everything is so bright out here. Maybe I've just been inside too long though. It's late spring, I think. The trees are almost totally full up with green vibrant leaves, and I can smell flowers blooming nearby. This seems to relax me and I just want to lie down in the soft green grass.  
  
Hiei leads me out a little ways into the forest and into a clearing where there is a little pond. The water is like silver, reflecting the afternoon light that cascades down upon it. I smile softly and turn to look at Hiei who, as always, is watching me silently. I walk up to the shore of the lake and see a figure in its depths.  
  
I'm staring into my reflection in the crystal water. It seems so strange to look at myself, for I do not at all feel like how I look. I'm gazing into my own deep emerald eyes, framed by long tresses of fire-red hair. My face seems so alien, so separate from what I feel inside that it's almost painful. I frown and something comes to my mind.  
  
I can hear a voice in my head, as though I'm recalling it from a distant memory. It's a women's voice. She's calling a name, a name that seems strangely familiar.  
  
My lips echo her words and I softly whisper out that name. "Shuichi..."  
  
I shiver when I hear that name. I don't know where these memories have suddenly come from. I want them desperately, but it's starting to hurt within me, when I remember. I frantically race to remember more, but nothing else comes besides that women's voice and that name.  
  
I reach out one finger to touch my reflection, only to find that it shatters as the ripples flow out across the waters. I stand up and turn to look at Hiei, biting my lip.  
  
"It hurts." I say softly, reaching out my hand to him. Lightly he takes it and rubs it against his cheek before placing a gentle kiss on it. I'm surprised by his tenderness that he suddenly decides to show.  
  
"I know, but soon...you'll have to remember..." he replies to me, as he turns away and starts walking back over the soft grass.  
  
I follow after him, hoping that he's not just going to led me back to the 'place' where I was inside before. I much prefer it outside. To my pleasure he leads me out to one of the large meadows and plops down in the grass.  
  
Carefully, I sit down next to him. My hand brushes against his thigh and I blush slightly before turning away. He doesn't seem to notice.  
  
"I know you like it out here. That's why I brought you." he says matter-of- factly.  
  
I snort. I find it ironic that he knows more about me than even I do. That leads me to another question. "Were we close?" I ask hesitantly.  
  
Hiei turns to me, with an odd twist in his frown. It's like he's smiling, but trying his hardest not to. "Hn..." he replies, noncommittally.  
  
I sigh and lean back, folding my arms behind my head and staring up at the blue sky. Much to my surprise...and delight...I feel small hands entwine themselves in my hair that cascades onto the ground.  
  
Warmth spreads across my body, and I know Hiei's true answer. I'm starting to understand Hiei a little better now. It doesn't matter so much what he says. What truly matters is what he does in those small moments of intimacy, when there's no cold barrier to separate his heart from yours.  
  
~ Aww. I don't know about you, but that gave me the warm fuzzies. And if you're smart (unlike me!) you'll have noticed the clue I left for you that has something to do with the reason that Kurama lost his memories!~ 


	4. Golden Rose of Truth

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Chapter Four: Golden Rose of Truth  
  
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Everything out here is so silent and peaceful. I kind of wish we could stay forever like this, together. I lay still, not wanting him to stop his gentle caress. His hands are combing through my long hair as I stare up at the clear blue sky. There are only small clouds hanging lazily in the sky, looking like little balls of cotton. My vision is obscured though when Hiei leans over me so that he is directly above my face.  
  
I raise an eyebrow at him, but don't move. I wonder what he's up to now. His face is moving closer, his lips capturing mine and his tongue sliding into my mouth. My eyes widen. Is he kissing me?!  
  
I don't know how to respond to this. I don't understand. I freeze, unable to move. Everything is going way too fast for me as he breaks the kiss and stares down at me. I don't know what to say to him. The way he's looking so intensely into my eyes in unnerving. How am I supposed to respond?!  
  
"Oi, Hiei! Where are you?" We hear a loud voice call from a distance. In an instant Hiei is standing once again.  
  
"Oh, there you are. Where's Kurama? I came to see how he was—"the voice stops as I stand up to see who is approaching us. He's a moderately tall boy, with slicked back black hair and a goofy grin on his face. I feel discomforted in his presence, especially after this little 'incident' that has happened.  
  
"Kurama...how are you? You feeling alright?" He says as though he's known me forever and he slaps me lightly on the back.  
  
I grimace and shift away from his touch slightly. Hiei scowls. "You fool." He says viciously.  
  
The boy looks at me with confusion riddled in his face.  
  
"You dimwit, Yusuke, I told you not to bother them." says Genkai as she approaches from behind.  
  
I turn my eyes to 'Yusuke'. I sigh and massage my forehead in slight exasperation. Another person I was supposed to remember. Hiei stands protectively in front of me as though he's worried that Yusuke will do something stupid.  
  
Yusuke raises an eyebrow at him and grins. "Hey, I just came here to see how Kurama is doing...especially after what happened with his—"he doesn't get the chance to finish because Genkai whacks him hard across the face.  
  
He turns to her, with a big red splotch on his face. "What was that for you old hag?!"  
  
Genkai doesn't reply, but turns to me. "Don't mind my idiot apprentice (reminds me of Kenshin...). He's just a fool."  
  
My mouth twitches into a frown. Yusuke was about to say something, something I didn't know. Maybe I should talk to this boy sometime alone. I could see though, that Hiei was going to have known of that.  
  
"Come Kurama." He says turning away from Yusuke and walking back down the path deeper into the woods. I gaze at Yusuke for one second longer, wanting to stay and get some information out of him, but I comply with Hiei's order and follow him. I don't want to risk losing him. He's my only strength in this crazy world.  
  
"Who was that?" I ask Hiei, once we have walked deeper into the silent forest.  
  
He shakes his head. "That fool doesn't matter right now. There's something I need to show you first." He says, grabbing onto my hand and pulling me along to make me walk faster.  
  
I look at him, wondering, remembering the soft kiss that he had given to me. I don't think I understand him as well as I thought. He keeps on doing things that surprise me. I think he's that kind of person though. He always seems to do what you least expect. It will take a while for me to get used to.  
  
I have to admit I'm enjoying the feel of his roughened skin against my palm. He's so warm against my hand that it makes me tingle slightly inside. I want to stare into his eyes and learn if he's feeling the same thing, but he's moving along too fast for me to know.  
  
He leads me into a small enclosed clearing surrounded by a wall of thick, sharp thorns. I brush my way easily through them, but I notice one catch on Hiei's cheek and cut a thin line through his pale skin. A tiny drop of red blood falls onto the earth, but he doesn't seem to notice.  
  
Inside this small clearing is a stone pedestal that seems to be carved delicately in the shape of twisting vines. I peer closer and see that they actually seem to be thorns like the wall that is surrounding us. That's not the most amazing part of what Hiei has brought me to see though.  
  
Set delicately in the clutches of the hideous thorns is the most beautiful entrancing rose that I have ever seen. It's a shimmering golden amber that almost resonates across my skin as I reach out to touch one of its vibrant velvet petals. It's so soft and surprisingly warm to my touch.  
  
Carefully I stroke its smooth surface, reveling in the heat that is radiating from its center. My eyes then notice a small blotch of crimson that has spread across its center. It's like blood has been spattered across this image of perfection. Its purity and innocence have been lost in the pain of suffering. My hearts clenches and I turn to Hiei questions burning in my eyes.  
  
"What is this?" I ask, fire burning within me again.  
  
Hiei's face shows no expression like usual as he begins to speak his red eyes shining with pain.  
  
"When I found you...you were clenching that rose to your chest."  
  
"When you found me? After what happened?" I questioned, insisting that I got a response. Will I finally find out what happened to me?  
  
"I can't tell you...You have to remember it on your own...you'd never be able to bear it." He says coldly, turning away from me.  
  
"I think I can decide that for myself! You can't just leave me with that! You have to answer. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW!" I begin to scream, shattering the still mood of the forest into scattered shards.  
  
Hiei's eyes are flashing deeper. "Calm down. You'll know soon enough. That's why I brought you here."  
  
"What do you mean?" A dim hope is growing with in me. Anticipation is overtaking me as I begin to breathe quicker.  
  
"Pick up the rose and see what I mean." He says as though he wants nothing more than for me not to do it. I don't know what he's up to.  
  
I pause for one more moment and from somewhere in my murky memories of this morning I can the words Genkai spoke clearer. 'The rose....it's the rose.....' Just before my mind was fully conscious I had heard those words, though I had not realized it at the time.  
  
Does this rose have something to do with my memories and the past that I have all the sudden forgotten? Could it be that this is the link that I've been so desperately searching for, the link that will finally led me to the truth?  
  
My hand reaches out and grabs onto its fragile stem, gently pulling it away from the pedestal. I'm surprised and disappointed to see that nothing happens. I twirl it lightly in my fingers once and bring it up to my nose, drinking in its sweet scent.  
  
Then my eyes widen and I start to remember. The memories are flooding within me, rushing over me in a wave that is too overwhelming for me. I can remember it all. Everything. My mind is going over all this information at amazing speed as my life flashing in front of me. Life before and after I was born in the human world. My mind pauses on one memory, the memory I've be longing so much for, but now that I've found it...I'm not sure I want it anymore.  
  
It's burning within me, the pain. It's consuming as I begin to remember just what has happened......It's my mother......she.....she.......  
  
[Ok, I'll just leave it hanging there for a while although it's pretty obvious...*ahem*....anyway.... Thank you reviewers!!!!] 


	5. Crimson Memories

[Warning: I was seriously freakin' depressed when I wrote this so it's VERY violent. If you can't stand blood then don't read it!]  
  
I'm entranced by the memory that plays in front of my eyes like a movie. Bloods splatters on the dry, desiccated ground. It flows slickly down her cheeks like thick lethargic tears, her eyes spurting the crimson liquid from the sloppy incisions that have been scraped down her face. Three long deep marks of red glisten and shimmer, almost like someone has raked claws unfathomably deep down her shocked face. One of her arms is hanging loosely on sinew, twisted at a weird angle, while the other lies tossed away in a bloody mess.  
  
My eyes trail unbelievingly down her convulsing body to her blood-spattered chest. Her heart is exposed and hanging out from the cavernous hole that has been blasted into her gashed body. To my horror I see it pump in vain once last time, squeezing its shreds of tattered muscle together, blood squirting from its ruptured surface in a horrid display of shattered scarlet drops.  
  
Her legs are twisted inhumanly, pastel white bone peeking viciously through her knee and her thigh, splintered and covered in severed arteries. Her corpse is twitching, as the muscles still yet have to realize that they have given up and that no more life sustaining blood will flow through their hungered veins.  
  
I must be dreaming because this horrific pain can not be real. I'm clutching her desperately to my chest. My body is racked with sob after sob, tearing me apart from the inside. There's a terrible emptiness in my heart devouring my soul as I sit here in my overpowering desolation. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing that any one can do.  
  
The blood.....her blood..... is seeping into my clothes, into my skin.....into my heart. It's burning me, ripping me apart. It's like acid to my skin, eating away at the boundaries of my sanity to the desperation and obsessive convulsions of my inner being.  
  
I fade away from the memory with an agonizing scream as I 'remember'. I know what happened. The gory scene is meticulously clear to me. Every single tormented second of her horrendous last minutes of this world resonates through my bones, reverberating on the comatose edges of my stability, shattering it into thousands of razor sharps shards cutting deeply into my heart.  
  
It's hurting so much. Never such cataclysmic anguish have I ever felt before. I clutch at my hair, ripping it brutally, clawing at my eyes, tearing at the delicate skin of my face with my finger nails. Anything to keep away the inconceivable agony that is completely eradicating my soul.  
  
Nostalgic tears burn channels down my battered cheeks, and I feel a pair of strong arms grip my hands and keep them firmly at my waist. I can't be held back anymore. The storm of pain is swirling so deep inside of me that I can't stand it anymore. It has to come out. My eyes roll back in their sockets as I thrash wildly about trying to toss the restraining arms from me. All I can smell is the fire and the blood and I hear the horrified screams of my mother's death. My throat throbs with my howls as I break from the arms and crash onto the ground in a fit of sobs and screams.  
  
"MOTHER...NO......MOTHER!" I'm screaming out, so loudly that I can feel it rip at my vocal chords. I begin to claw painfully across the forest floor, unaware that my finger nails are breaking into bloody splinters.  
  
Hiei now is putting his full weight on my back in an attempt to restrain my suicidal attempts of ridding myself of this memory. He can't stop me as I begin to bash my head ruthlessly against the dirt in my miasma of self- loathing and overwhelming emotions. I'm screaming for it to end. I'm begging. Please....just let it all end...... ...  
  
.....  
  
......  
  
.....  
  
... [Short chap, but don't complain. I think it's enough of that kind of stuff for now] 


	6. The Afterglow of Regret

[Sorry for Hiei OOC, but it just is so sweet when he's nice...also 'borrowed' chapter title from Kikaider, if any of you have every seen it.] ............................................................................................................  
  
Chapter Six: The Afterglow of Regret  
  
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I slowly, ever so slowly, open my eyes and groan loudly. I must have been knocked unconscious. The pain is hurting so bad that I just want to go back to the darkness, where I can't feel anything, but I can't. I know that she's dead. My mother....Shiori....is dead. I can feel it in every fiber of my wretched being.  
  
Someone is shaking me. My eyes focus and Hiei begins to come into view. He's shouting something, but I can't hear anything. It's like I've gone deaf. His lips are moving slowly, but there's no sound. I feel panic rise within me and I try my hardest to suppress it.  
  
I try to assess what else has happened. I'm covered in a warm, sticky liquid. I lift up an arm and see that I'm immersed in blood...my own blood. In my hand I'm still holding that rose, my fingers clenched tight so that its thorns dig painfully deep into my skin.  
  
I stare down at the petals that are no longer that solid gold anymore. They've changed. It's the deepest black with a dark crimson trimming that shines like fire against its beauty. My eyes shimmer with unshed tears that are just waiting to burst out. This rose, it's like a reflection....of my heart. I can sense it deep within me. I clutch it against my chest and I feel its warmth still...but it's a dying warmth, one that is quickly fading away.  
  
There is an emptiness within my soul that has replaced my devastation and sadness. I can't feel anymore...there's nothing left of me inside, but this dying warmth that is quickly fading away. I would have given everything up right then if I had not felt a warm hand grip onto me.  
  
My hearing seems to be coming back to me now because I can hear Hiei's voice faintly and growing louder each time he cries out to me. "Kurama!....Kurama!"  
  
I look up into his eyes, his haunted blood red eyes almost spilling over with tears. Is he about to cry?! For me? Hiei....crying? I part my dry lips slightly as though to say something, blood leaking slowly out of the deep incision I have bit into my own lip with my teeth. I feel shaking fingers run themselves through my crimson crusted hair sending tingles down my spine. I realize that my head is now resting in Hiei's lap, and that he's leaning over me, those beautiful eyes that burn so deeply into my soul welling up with sadness and anger.  
  
I reach up a shivering hand and grab onto the edge of his black shirt, wincing as pain shoots through my self inflicted cuts.  
  
"Who did this?! Who did that to her!?" I ask, my voice quivery and my vision blurred.  
  
Hiei brings me closer to him, hugging me tightly against his chest. With him holding me and being enveloped in his presence I can't help but break down again. I cling pathetically to him, crying and sobbing into his shirt trying to hold back the feeling of absolute emptiness.  
  
I feel something hard drop lightly into my lap and I pause for a second to look down. Resting on my leg is a small black gem shaped like a tear. Slowly I pick it up and run it across my fingers, its slick coldness chilling me inside my heart. I look back up at Hiei to see that he is having trouble keeping his own ice cold composure.  
  
"I don't know who did it....By the time I got there you were already.......You're the only one who ever knew......." He says, his voice consumed with anger. "Believe me, if I knew, that damn bastard would be fucking dead after I made him go through hell for what he did." He says maliciously, his eyes blazing with rage, but still edged with tears.  
  
Then he turned to me and brushed the loose hair out of my face. "You must not have regained all your memories yet..." he says quietly.  
  
My face contorts. Could there possibly be anything more than these awful memories of my mother's dead body? Who had done this? I had to remember! I just had to......but I am also scared to dig any deeper. Is it possibly that with this horrible pain I have only skimmed the surface of the events of my mother's death?  
  
"I need to get you back Kurama...you're hurt..." Hiei whispers to me, grabbing onto my arm and pulling me up off my feet. I don't want to go back anyway. I just want to lay here and die....anything to end this pain. I slump back down onto my knees, unable to find the will.  
  
"Damn it Kurama! I need to stop your bleeding!" he says angrily as he tries to pull me up again. I just close my eyes and turn away.  
  
"Just let me die....it would be so much better that living..." I say quietly.  
  
Hiei's face is contorting in pain as he pulls me up and does the thing I least expect at that moment....he kisses me, pressing his lips roughly on mine. As he pulls away from the kiss another tear drop forms in his eye and lands with a solid 'plunk' on the ground.  
  
"You fool, don't you know that I need you! No matter what happens I promise I'll be there to stop it! I won't fail you again..." he says, his voice cracking at the end.  
  
My eyes widen a little. Is he blaming this all on himself? "It's not you that failed...." I begin, but he cuts me off.  
  
"Don't say anything Kurama....it's the truth...but next time....I won't let anything happen to you....damn it! If only I had..." He says bitterly, swearing continuously under his breath.  
  
I look at him with 'renewed' eyes. Never before had I realized how much I meant to him...and how much he meant to me. I had been so blinded by my own selfish pain that I hadn't seen the agony that he was in too. Gently I reach up my hand to his face and brush my fingers gently across his cheek and plant a soft kiss on his forehead.  
  
"Thank you....Hiei..." I say as I slowly collapse against his strong arms. I'm so tired...I just want to sleep...and his arms they seem so.....ever....so......warm.....  
  
[lots and tons of more HieixKurama fluffiness coming! I love that stuff!...yeah....] 


	7. Warm Touch

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Chapter Seven: Warm Touch  
  
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I feel soft warm arms wrapped around me and I snuggle closer against someone. I'm so sleepy right now that I just want to drift back into dreams, but a sharp pain begins to stab into my heart. Slowly my eyes open and I see that I am back inside.  
  
I'm lying on my bed, but I'm not alone. Someone is lying next to me, their arms draped around my waist, their head pressed gently into my back. My whole body is stiff and achy as well as covered in fresh bandages. I groan out as I turn over only to find a pair of red eyes staring at me intensely.  
  
It feels somewhat awkward, lying in the same bed as Hiei with him looking at me that way and holding me. I begin to turn red slightly and I blink trying to clear my eyes from the traces of sleep that are lingering behind.  
  
"Hiei?" I ask confused still somewhat muddled from sleep.  
  
Hiei's only response is to pull me closer, as he presses his face into my chest. "Kurama..." he says possessively as I feel his nose rub lightly against my chest. His arms are encircled around me so that there is barely an inch separating our bodies.  
  
"Is it.....all true?.....did it all really happen?..." I ask, closing my eyes, hating how my voice sounds so terribly weak.  
  
I hear Hiei sigh, then he whispers into my ear, "Don't think about that right now." He playfully bites on the edge of my ear lobe and I jump back in surprise.  
  
"Hiei!?" I say, confounded at his new behavior. I pull away and rub my slightly stinging ear.  
  
"Kitsune....you don't remember....do you?" he says, bitterly, and his eyes dim for a moment.  
  
"Remember what?!" I exclaim. Sure, I can remember some things now, like my mother's death and some of my life as a human, but other parts are very vague.  
  
The bitterness in him seems to have gone away and he grips my right bicep tightly. "I guess I'll just have to show you all over again..." he says intensely as he roughly pushes me flat down onto the bed and leans over me.  
  
I'm a little uncomfortable as he bends down and begins to kiss me roughly, while his hands entangle themselves in my hair. This is all too weird for me right now. I already have enough with my mother....and now Hiei is.....well I just don't know....He's never acted like this with me before, that I can remember. I squirm under his touch, not knowing how to feel, heat rising through my entire body.  
  
As though sensing my uneasiness he breaks the kiss and looks down at me, with a grin on his face.  
  
"I'm going to make you want me kitsune....just you wait.....you'll be begging in the end..." he whispers lightly, as he pulls away and stands up.  
  
Hopping lightly off the bed, Hiei yawns and stretches. "I'm going to find Genkai now. She'll need to give you your medicine again."  
  
Once I manage to catch my breath (and my sanity) I curl up in the sheets. Everything is just too complicated...too damn complicated. What is really bothering me though, what is lurking deep within me, eating away at the core of my soul, is the fact that I still can't remember who killed my mother, and how it actually happened. The painful memory of her ripped body comes to my mind along with a few scattered memories of some happy times we had together, but nothing else. Not one single damn thing! It's driving me totally crazy. I want to remember so bad, but.....but what if I find out....and it hurts me even more?  
  
And what was with Hiei's behavior? What did he mean by 'don't you remember?'. What happened between us before? Could it be that he's just making it all up, and acting that way to distract me from my pain? I'm not sure...It's hard to tell. Hiei is a hard person to figure out.  
  
I touch my lips absentmindedly. "I can still....taste him..." I murmur to myself quietly. I bury my face into the bed where he was laying just minutes ago. The scattered scents of his body still cling onto the sheets as I press my nose into them.  
  
To my surprise, I actually feel somewhat cold and empty without Hiei's arms wrapped around me. Just the smell of him is making my mind incoherent and yet feel somehow contented. What is with me?  
  
"Oh mother...if only you were here..." I whisper miserably, taking a fistful of the sheet in my hand and squeezing it tightly. "I......miss.....you so much...."  
  
A drop falls silently onto the sheet, spreading out through the fibers. More are joining it, tears keep flowing from my haunted eyes to roll down my cheeks and cascades onto the fabric.  
  
"Kurama?" I heard a soft voice call hesitantly. I quickly wipe away my tears and turn around. I didn't even hear this person come in.  
  
My eyes take in a young girl with soft sea-green hair that falls gently against her pale cheeks. Her frame is small and almost fragile wrapped in a pale blue kimono as she clutches her hands together nervously. Her eyes are what capture me though for they are a deep blood red....just like Hiei's.  
  
A faint trace of a name comes to me and I try to remember it. I recognize this girl, I've seen her before many times. If only I could remember her name!  
  
The girl cautiously walks over to me and places a hand lightly on my forehead. "Genkai is away for a while and she told me to take care of you." the girl says quietly.  
  
I hear the door open again and Hiei walks in too. He sits down in the chair by the bed and watches as the girl starts to pull out different medicines that she is going to give me. A faint memory starts to come to me, of this girl.....wait....wasn't her name.....  
  
"Yukina!?" I say suddenly, startling her so that she makes a slight noise and jumps.  
  
"Yes, Kurama..." she asks, pausing from her work to look at me.  
  
I smile. "That's your name...isn't it....Yukina?"  
  
She nods slightly to me a smile on her lips. "You're remembering Kurama..." She says happily as she un-bandages a wound on my right arm and gently applies the medication.  
  
After about ten minutes she finishes and bows slightly to me. "I must leave now Kurama. I hope you get better."  
  
Hiei's eyes follow her as she leaves and I grin at him. "She is your sister, isn't she?" I ask.  
  
Hiei bristles at the question and a sharp nod gives me my answer. An uncomfortable silence seems to linger in the air afterwards.  
  
"Hey, can we go outside again?" I ask trying to break the desolate mood. Maybe if I just get my mind off some things...it wouldn't hurt so much.  
  
Hiei tilts his head at me in an oddly questioning way, but then he just shrugs his shoulder as if saying 'oh nevermind'.  
  
"Whatever.....kitsune..." he says lightly and starts to walk out the door.  
  
I climb out of the bed, still slightly sore and follow after him. As we walk side by side down the empty hallway, my fingers brush slightly against his and I gently take a hold of his hand, sighing with contentment as his warm skin presses against mine.  
  
He raises one eyebrow at me...like saying... 'I told you so', but he doesn't remove his hand from my grip. Maybe I've found my answer.....maybe I do love Hiei.  
  
............ ....... ............  
  
[This story is steering in a more happier direction because I just can't help it! There's gonna be more angst though, so don't think it's over....but I think there will be some happy things for Kurama and Hiei....if yah know what I mean...^_^] 


	8. Twilight Fox

**Warning:** Contains YAOI. Rating has changed from PG-13 to R

* * *

**Memories of Fire**

**Chapter Eight**

By: Neko-kyolover

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Hiei leads me back outside to the fresh air. Instantly I feel like I have just gained double my strength as I stare at the beautiful woods around me. This is where I belong, not locked inside with the feelingless things that humans make. 

I walk leisurely through the woods, the tall grasses brushing my ankles delicately in greeting. Hiei is still beside me, gripping lightly onto my hand. He is very silent, but just having him there is such a comfort. My heart never wants to be away from him.

Abruptly I turn to face him and open my mouth to ask a question but then I stop myself. I want so desperately to ask him so many things, but I don't know what it is that stops me from doing so. Why am I all the sudden so cautious around Hiei?

I turn instead to look up at the sky which seems to be growing darker. The mixed oranges and pinks of the horizon are just visible in between the many trees. I can smell the impending night on the air as a chilled breeze begins to toy with the loose strands of my crimson hair. Ah bliss, standing here in the wind's embrace, letting it dance around me as though I had not a care in the world. I could almost forget those memories, standing here with Hiei by my side. I could almost forget that anything else existed.

"Kurama. We should return now." Hiei states abruptly, disrupting the peace that has settled around my shoulders.

My face falls into a frown. "But.." I say softly in regret for the beauty that would be lost if we returned inside.

"Come on. It's getting cold." He says firmly as his fingers tug against mine.

I stand still even as he begins to move away. Without a thought I let his fingers slip from mine and I move in the opposite direction, deeper into the woods.

"Kurama!" I hear him call out as he turns to find me speeding off in the other direction.

I find myself racing through the trees, skirting past the hanging branches, the wind blowing wildly in my hair. I do not know what has possessed me, but I can't bring myself to stop. The blood is pounding heavily in my veins, telling me to run and never ever stop.

I'm dancing wildly, the leaves and the flowers spread out wide beneath me. The moon begins to peek through the clouds and it calls out mournfully to me. What is this obsession that has taken over me? I want to dance the night away, to feel the caress of the earth around me.

Hiei has no chance of ever catching up to me, no matter how fast he flits along. No one can outwit a fox's intuition. My feet are going even faster, back in forth in this complicated rhythm that beats steadily within my heart, my pulse speeding along with it.

Memories are disappearing, flowing out from my grasp. I'm beginning to forget even that Hiei exists. Sweet sweet bliss enraptures me as I feel those horrible memories being taken away again. They're all fading away...as if they're nothing...as if those people meant nothing.

Suddenly, I feel my feet halt and I come to dead stop. No...No...I must stop this dance, no matter how happy it may make me. I don't want to forget them. Mother...No...I can't forget her. Not after all she went through for me. I can't forget her. And Hiei. No I can not let myself do this.

Frantically I look around me only to find that I recognize nothing. Where am I? What kind of trouble have I gotten myself into now? How will I ever find my way?

The air is so chilly now and I begin to shiver in my thin robe. I'm beginning to wish that Hiei were here again. Why had I danced off like that? What has all the sudden possessed me?

It has grown truly dark now and the dark trees seem so ominous. No longer do their branches welcome me. My bare feet step lightly on the cold ground as I begin to wander again. I sigh, slightly annoyed with myself and more than a little unnerved by the silence of the forest.

Soon I grow tired and I let my body slump against one of the trees. My eyes want so badly to close, but I refuse to let myself fall asleep yet.

"Have you ever heard of the Twilight Fox?" A cold familiar voice says abruptly making me jump. I turn quickly to see Hiei approaching from the darkness. "They say he danced his life away."

I let out one long relieved sigh and stand up. I'm glad that he doesn't look mad at me. "Hiei...I'm sorry—"I try to apologize, but he swiftly approaches me and puts a finger to my lips.

The night seems so enchanted as he brings that hand up to tangle in my hair. I suddenly feel myself burning with a strange desire.

"I know of the foxes whims. Don't try to understand anything tonight....just let it be..." he says slowly and I find myself gazing intensely into his crimson eyes. I can't help but notice how much they really do look like pools of blood.

Slowly his lips meet mine and I'm tasting pure lust. I want to moan as the kiss grows more heated, my lips parting and letting him slip his tongue into the cavern of my mouth. His arms are encircling my waist, pushing me slowly down onto the ground.

I feel as if a haze is clouding my mind and I can't think as his fingers begin to slowly brush against my exposed skin. Slowly I feel him tugging at the ties on my robe. His fingers are fire dancing across my bare flesh. My mind is simply reeling from all this sudden pleasure.

Our lips part at last, both of us heaving for breath. Now I lay naked to his eyes, my robe splayed out beneath me. I feel so exposed and yet at the same time exhilarated. His lips soon attack my neck, tracing down the graceful curve in little licks and bites. His hands travel down to rest at my hips as I bring my own hands up to settle on the small arch of his back.

I hiss softly as his lips travel lower to my chest, his tongue gently flicking against my stiffening nipple. I can feel my back arching, pressing into his own, intensely aware of my hardening erection pressing against the cloth of his pants. Over and over again he begins to lick and bit my chest and my nipple to the point where I think my mind is about to explode with need.

Suddenly he ceases as his piercing crimson eyes meet my own. My whole body is trembling now and I feel so weak and needy. And yet at the same time I find that I'm actually enjoying this. In a way, that this is what I really need.

"Hiei..." I moan out lustfully as I pull his lips to meet mine again, my fingers tugging at the dark swaths of cloth around him. I want to feel his skin against my own, to please him as much as he has been pleasing me.

He lets me remove his cloak and I admire his strong bare chest. My fingers trail against rock hard abs gained after years of hard work and fighting demons. My lips begin to place soft kisses against that pale white skin that feels so soft against my own. Why is he letting me do this, I wonder, but it is only a passing thought. I'm much too caught up in the moment to really think about it.

Slowly I feel him relax against my caresses and his fingers once again dance across my skin, lower and luxuriously lower until they finally meet my throbbing erection. The caress is ever so slow and torturous, rubbing up and down my trembling length until I can bear it no longer.

"Hiei..." I moan out loudly and I can feel my nails dig into his back as I try to press him even closer.

Abruptly as it started, the torturous caress stopped and I groaned out loud in protest. Urgently I lift my body up, trying to gain the much needed friction on my groin, but Hiei stops me. He slowly lifts my chin up to look at me straight in the eyes again as though he's checking for something.

"Do you trust me?" He says seriously. I know that at this point there is no turning back and I quickly nod my head. "Truthfully?" He insists again.

"I trust you...with everything..." I say, short of breath and panting. I see it in his eyes that he understands now. I truly meant what I said, every single word.

Slowly he turns me around and now I am facing the ground, my legs and arms bracing me. I know what is coming and I'm ready....more than ready.

I hear the soft slide of cloth and his pants pool around his feet. Slowly he lifts his fingers to his mouth, quickly soaking them. Even though I know what is coming, I'm still not ready as I feel those slick fingers enter inside of me. He's slow and careful, trying to make it as uncomfortable as possible as I await the sweet reward.

I soon I grow impatient and I began to buck against him and he knows that its time. Quickly coating himself with saliva he positions himself and slowly enters inch by inch.

My body is racked with desire and pain as I feel him moving inside of me and his hands return to caress my aching member. The pace begins slow as he moves in and out of my entrance, but soon it speeds up and I feel myself howl out as he hits my sweet spot.

We begin to rock against each other, faster and faster as he continually hits that special spot. I can't describe the utter pleasure I am feeling at this moment. So many things that I don't understand are happening. I can't think anymore as he pounds harder into me. I'm so very...very confused.

His hands on my member move in our dancing rhythm, as we both moan out in our intense pleasure. I'm so overwhelmed as the night sings around us, and I can feel myself coming to the brink. I can tell he's holding me just on the edge and I'm squirming against him trying desperately to find release from this sensory overload.

And then it happened, as our moans rose in a chorus, he came spurting against my sweet spot filling me with his seed. And as he came inside of me I felt myself topple over the edge and come onto the ground beneath us. In that one second in which the intense ecstasy coursed heatedly through my veins that I remembered. I remembered just how much it was that I loved Hiei.

It's so foolish. How could I ever forget the passion that burned in my heart, the longing that I had always held for him? How could that be erased? How could I forget that sweet irreplaceable love and heated lust I felt for him?

Some things were beginning to come clear at last, even though some things still remained murky. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew, that somehow I was going to get through this...as long as I had him.

* * *

**Author's Note:** This is FAR from over. I know...I know....I took FOREVER to update. How long exactly? 7 months and 3 days to be exact. I feel so sorry for anyone that was waiting!! I've been so distracted lately and I just got back into writing my HieixKurama stories.

By the by, did anyone think the lemon was too much? Ah well, tell me what yah think anyway.


	9. To Live?

第9話  
Chapter Nine

活きる?  
To Live?

There's some part of me that knows that the answer lies just beyond my fingertips. I know that I could knowthe whole truth now, the whole horrible truth right this instant, but….but the truth is…I kind of don't want to remember. I'm happy now. I'm here with Hiei. I could forget that anything other than him existed, I could continue as if nothing had ever happened. I could, but I know I could never let myself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I chose to ignore that hidden part of me. And so, that's why, today, for the first time in my "new" memory, I'm leaving this place and going …home.

Sure, I remember living there with Shiori. I remember that I went to school there, but…it's all very unclear to me. It's almost like I remember only what is absolutely necessary to me, like I'm looking through a pane of glass that has been scratched so badly that I can only see shapes that are half there. This is a very big step for me, to go back to the place…the place where we were last together, but I feel comforted because Hiei is going to be living with me for a while.

Hiei living with me is another big step also. Every since that one night, I can't stop thinking about how much I really do love him. He means a lot to me…and now he's the only thing left in this world that I love. Even though he has brought me so much happiness, I can't help but feel depressed. Even though I'm with him, his arms wrapped tight around my body, I can't help but feel this sadness that festers deep in my heart, disabling me from being truly happy.

It's a bright day outside, slightly chilly as it usually is the fall. I shiver slightly and pull my thin jacket together around me. Hiei stands beside me, his fingers interlaced with mine, comforting me. He doesn't look cold at all. Then again his body must be used to the chill…

We're standing in front of my house now and I gaze silently up at it. This place…just looking at it sends all kinds of distorted memories jostling through my mind. Everything is so familiar, but at the same time so new. I can tell Hiei notices by the way my hand clenches his tighter. I feel his fingers gently brush against mine, trying to calm me. Whoever said Hiei was uncaring was very wrong.

I smile down at him and take a deep breath, preparing to take a step back into the place where…all of this began. The door creaks open, my hand gently leaves the doorknob. Hiei lets me enter first, though he retains his hold on my hand. He understands. This is my battle to be fought and he'll be there to help me, but he can't fight it for me.

The place looks tidy, almost too tidy. I can tell it's been furiously cleaned, but I still smell just a scent of blood. The stench is radiating from the kitchen. I feel myself begin to shake but I don't let my face show my unsteadiness. I can tell Hiei's not buying it. I close my eyes for a second and relax.

'It's only a faint smell…it will fade with time…' I mentally reassure myself. If it were not for that I don't know how I would be able to live in this house.

We move quickly past the kitchen. I can tell that Hiei doesn't want to linger there long, and personally, neither do I. I stopped as we reached the living room, gazing around.

Things look so…normal. Everything looks as if nothing had ever happen, as if the horror had never really existed. I brushed my fingers over the top of the table, coating my fingertips in a thin layer of dust. My eyes travel immediately to the pictures mantelpiece near the wall.

There she is, holding me when I was a baby. Her eyes look so happy, so bright…so alive. Staring at the picture, it's hard to believe that woman who looks so vibrant with life…is now so very dead. My fingers graze over the layer of protective glass that separates us, forbidding me from touching her image.

At this point I don't cry. My eyes don't water. My hands don't shake. My expression doesn't change. At this point, I'm past all that. I'm broken inside, far beyond anyone's control. The sadness that I feel is greater than a thousand million tears, stronger than a hundred million sobs.

And yet, I still have to live. I still have to try and be normal. I have to continue this life. Only my friends are going to cut me some slack. The world could care less about my problems. I can only stay in Hiei's protective arms for so long before becoming weak.

Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean they aren't more demons out there to be fought, more lives to be saved. It doesn't mean, just because I've been scarred, that automatically everyone's going to take that into account, to give me a break.

I'm not going to hide forever in this sadness and let it eat away at me. I look into my mother's eyes once again and I know just why she is happy. She has me, her son. She is looking forward to seeing her son's dreams and aspirations grow, she is waiting for the smiles, the laughs, even through the hard times.

The worst thing I could do right now is to let this consume me. I would be letting her down. It would break her heart if she knew just how much that I was suffering. I owe it to her to live my life, my new life with Hiei.

I'm not ever going to forget, that would be impossible. The memories will always haunt me, but by embracing them, by looking at what the past truly is, I can move forward and make a new path, one in which I won't fail again.

Feeling my emotions steady, I turn and look at Hiei. Brushing my hand against his cheek, I gently pull him in for a soft kiss.

"I won't ever fail you…" I whisper and laugh at the confused look on his face.

Holding him in my arms, I finally begin to feel that this life has some real meaning in it. Now I know that I can truly begin to live again.

**Author's Notes:**

This chapter was a bit shorter so I'll add some review responses at the end. Gomen nasai! (bows repeatedly) I had some new ideas for this story. This was the end of the first section (not the end of the story..). There just seems to be a definite conclusion here. Anyway, as you could probably tell the first part of MOF was Kurama struggling with his regaining his memories. The second will be Kurama coping and starting his new life with Hiei, and the third will be...hehe.. wouldn't you like to know? Anyway, it's gonna be something good! .

**Reviewer Responses:**

**YamikiofAnime:** You shall see the answer soon enough... (evil laughter) or maybe... not.. (smiles)  
**aura-chan the neko-jin:** thanks yous for your manyreviews!  
**Ilikeyaoi:** arigato for the review!  
**Su da 'mazin bannana eater:** I like lemons too. They are very nutritious, aren't they?  
**ForeverFornever: **don't worry, i don't plan on giving up on this story. I'm really starting to like it. .. it just might take me a while to get around to finishing it.. . (runs away)  
**Ninetales122:** I know what you mean. I have a hard time finding good stories too! The only way Mary-sue's are fun, is if you're the one writing them. I don't think they should post them on don't like original characters very much either. I just like readingHieixKurama goodness!  
**Candid Ishida:** thank you.I really like the stuff that you'rewrite and it makes me happy to think that you like my stuff too.  
**Hatoko**: thank you for the praise (humbles herself)  
**SweetMisery1:** yesh. i will try to get chapters up quickly  
**Shuichi Minomami:** the inner fangirl can be a terribly scary thing if allowed to grow too much... hehe... i feel sorry for the bishonen out there...  
**sisko66002: **thank you. i hope i continue to entertain you  
**Nasa Ow/d Maxwell:** yesh. foxes + lemons yummy  
**Dark Chalice:** thanks for the review! ...a kurama without a hiei would be a sad thing  
**karasu:** doomo arigato gozaimasu for the review  
**Dragon-Inu-hanyou:** yaoi is good! (licks lips). i'm glad you liked it  
**Whatcallmyself:** Yay! I managed to update in less than seven months!  
**Seika:** I'm glad you think it's so good. Thank you.  
**2Lazy2Login:** hehe. there you go. i updated. (smiles)  
**Youko Kara:** i love sweet stories too. .  
**rebekah:** . I updated. thank you for the review  
**Catty:** thank you for your review. It made me feel happy!

有り難う皆さん

Thank you everyone


	10. In Your Eyes

> > >

火の思う出・二番目の物語  
Memories of Fire・Second Tale

> > >

> > > > >

第十話  
Chapter Ten

> > > > >

I wake up. Time for breakfast, walking downstairs my hair matted from a rough night's sleep, my skin feels grimy from caked on sweat from last night's activities. Maybe I'll skip breakfast today and head straight for the shower.

There's something about hundreds of tiny water droplets beating down on every inch of your skin that feels so refreshing. It washes away the filth, the scum, and yet, never the ever pressing emptiness that I feel inside of me. It's not like I'm not happy though. Living with Hiei now has been one of the most happiest times in my life, if not a bit difficult at times. It was never anything with Hiei that bothers me greatly. It's the fact that despite all that we have together there still feels like there's something missing inside of me, something that I lack because I am dysfunctional.

As I step out of the shower, I feel arms wrap around me from behind. "Hey, why didn't you wait for me?" I hear him ask. I smile slightly and step back in, pulling him in with me.

The shower now pours down on both of us, as I reach for the shampoo bottle, squirt some into my hands and gently begin to scrub his black hair which hangs limp in my hands. This is perhaps my favorite part of the morning, washing his hair, watching with a smile as his eyes close from just the sensation and he leans back against me.

Time wears on though, I can't stand there washing his hair forever, so I finish up and let my hands fall down to my sides. Slowly his eyes open and he turns to look at me, his smile is so soft that I almost think I'm looking at a different person.

Everything is so quiet, only the steady sound of the shower disturbs the air. I bit my lip and look away. For some reason it's hard to look into his eyes when his feelings are utterly exposed. I don't think he's ever been this relaxed in anyone's presence before.

Slowly he wraps his hands around my neck, standing on the tip of his toes to place a brief gentle kiss on my lips. He releases me, a little grin on his face and steps out of the shower without saying a word. I'm left there, my heart beating wildly, wondering how such a little thing could make me feel so alive inside.

I stepped out of the shower now, realizing that I better hurry up and finish getting ready. Today is my first day back at school since, well, the incident, and I'm going to need to get a good start to this day. Undoubtedly there will various rumors about why I was missing so long. This day wasn't going to be easy, especially while I still harbor these cloudy memories.

After getting dressed, I walk down into the kitchen, seeing Hiei has been digging through the cupboards again. He sat there, peacefully as ever, eating the hot chocolate mix straight from its can. With a smile, I walk over and take it from him.

"You're not supposed to eat it like that. It will make you sick." I scold before giving him a quick kiss, and licking the extra chocolate from his lips.

He mocks a pout before pouncing on me, and knocking me back against the counter, both of us laughing. The moment freezes in my mind and I'm staring deeply into those crimson depths. So red, a colour so deep, so thick, it's like…like blood. All the sudden I can feel it, smell, everywhere, drenched in blood, warm and enticing, horrible and nauseating. I can't help but let a shudder of horror run through my body.

"Kurama?" I hear him ask worriedly. He stands up straight and gently shakes me. "Kurama answer me!"

"I have to get to school now!" I say quickly as I rip my body away from his grasp and scramble out of the kitchen. Soon I'm on my way out the door with my bag in hand, and I'm walking down the street.

I feel myself shake slightly. Why? Why do his eyes have to remind me of that? Does this mean I won't ever be able to look into them again without those memories? This can't be happening. I don't want this to happen. It isn't fair. He's my happiness and yet, my happiness is tainted.

I'm startled from my thoughts by a high pitched squeal of "Shuichi-kun!". I turn and look to see that it was one of my female classmates bounding up behind me.

"Wow, Shuichi-kun! You're finally back! You've been gone for like, forever!" she says to me excitedly.

My memory searches for a name to connect with her face, but I'm not even sure if I had all my original memory that I would have bothered to have remembered it. She seems like all the other girls at my school. Nothing about her appearance especially stands out, but still I must be polite.

"I'm sorry, I think I've misplaced your name." I say, bowing my head slightly in apology.

She waves it away with her hand. "Don't worry about it. My name is Aimi." Then she turns and winks at me and laughs. What a strange girl she is.

Silence ensues as we continue to walk down the street, and I feel my mind drifting back to my original thoughts. Apparently Aimi has picked up on this mood change as well.

"Hey, Shuichi-kun, I know I really shouldn't mention this but…" she pauses for a moment to bit her lip, "…I heard what happened…and I just wanted to say…that I'm really sorry."

Pain flashes in my heart, but I give her a smile anyway. How does one respond to condolences when absolutely nothing can be done about what happened, when they're just a formality, words that must be passed from one to another?

"Ah, I see that that topic has gotten around." I say trying to keep my voice level and polite.

"Yeah. It was on the news. No one could really figure out what would have attacked like that and after you disappeared and weren't around for questioning.." she trailed off suddenly, feeling awkward. Maybe she was realizing that further discussion of this topic was making me upset again.

I told a long breath and let it out. I needed to get used to this pestering for a while. People are going to be curious, they'll be asking me all sorts of questions, regardless of my feelings. Some people just seem to lack either compassion or the general sense of decency of what should be said and what shouldn't.

Within another couple minutes Aimi and I had reached the train station. We both got on, and instantly I was surrounded in a sea of students. Aimi quickly disappeared from my side as she spotted some of her other friends. I was left with every else around me, staring curiously, and I knew just what was on their minds. I sighed to myself and steeled my expression to look pleasantly bored. I was going to have to stay strong if I wanted to get through this day.

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Author's Note: Well, it seems I've written another chapter of this. I'm not promising the next one any time soon. I'm sorry. bow I'm definitely going to work on it, but I'm bad on the whole promise thing. bow bow Gomen gomen gomen!


	11. To School Once Again

火の思う出・二番目の物語  
Memories of Fire・Second Tale

:-:-:

第十一話  
Chapter 11

:-:-:

I take my seat quietly as students begin to drift towards their own homerooms. I hear a group of girls whispering excitedly nearby, but I hardly care. It's very hard to concentrate on such things as schoolwork when I know my mother's murder is somewhere out there, just waiting for me to find him. For now, I have to keep up my appearance as a normal human being since I can hardly return to the demon world, even if my mother is gone.

Now that I think about it, it's going to be very difficult for me, and Hiei, to stay here for much longer. My mother was able to leave me some money that covered for the house and the basic necessities, but that money wouldn't last forever. I would probably have to get a job soon, which grated on my nerves. That means I would probably be very busy while attempting to juggle schoolwork, so time that I would have to track down that bastard.

As for actually finding the man, I was very uncertain about how to go about it. I had no recollection of my mother's murder and though I had many enemies as a youko, I couldn't grasp a specific name that would be so vengeful or have discovered my human identity even. Then again, Koenma would probably have some sort of information…

Sadly my thoughts were interrupted as the teacher entered and noticed me.

"Ah, Minamino. I see your in class today?"she said happily. I flashed her a noticeably forced smile, but she seemed to understand.

"Good morning, sensei."I said mechanically. Suddenly all eyes were on me and I didn't quite know why.

She gave me a comforting smile and leaned in to whisper softly. "If there's anything you need to talk to me about just come and visit me anytime before or after class…"

I doubted this woman could help me with my problems, but I was grateful to her nonetheless. She was kind-hearted and it was people like her that really made me appreciate living in the human world.

Classes continued like I remembered them, exceedingly boring. Though I had missed quite a bit of the material, I was able to catch up quickly. I had been alive for far longer than anyone else in that room and I hadn't picked up nothing in all that time.

It was until gym class that the first incident occurred. I had just finished changing clothes, exiting the locker room, when I happened to pass by a group of girls that obviously hadn't noticed my arrival.

"Yeah, and I heard that her body was so viciously destroyed that they couldn't figure out what weapon had actually caused it…" One girl recounted boldly.

"The inhumanity! With a murder running around like that, I can't help but wonder why they haven't sent out a alert or something," another interjected.

"I hear some people think it was Shuichi!" the bold girl said, trying to dominate the conversation once again.

The girls squealed and I felt my stomach clench uneasily. How could they even suggest…

I felt myself shake furiously, but I quickly composed myself and made my way back into the locker room. Luckily everyone had left, gathering outside for their class. I let my anger cool as I sat on a bench near the lockers and held my head in my hands. I need to be able to deal with issues like this. I can't let my classmates ever see me this discomposed.

What I really wanted now was Hiei to be there. The silent man was so comforting and his icy façade never fooled me. He's really such a sweetheart and I know he's been trying so hard to be supportive of me and show his feelings as often as possible. The fact that he's able to be so loving to me is something that really gives me strength and I don't know what I would do without him.

Thinking of Hiei, I can't help but wonder what he's doing at home right now. He's probably upset at me for how I treated him this morning, but…his eyes look so much like blood. He's self-conscious about himself as it is and I don't think I can really tell him that it was his eyes that were reminding me of things better not remembered. I know it would hurt him and I don't want to do that.

I really have to overcome it though, if I want to be able to look into his eyes. I have a theory, that maybe if I can find my mother's murder than my fear of the memory will dissipate to some extent. This is one thing that I'm frantically clinging to.

I probably need to discuss with Hiei about my plans for…well…revenge, or at least justice. I know he'll be opposed to it, but I'm sure he won't be able to stop me. I've been thinking as the hours of class pass, and I'm pretty sure my first move will to get my hands on the police report. I know they wouldn't just hand me out that kind of information, but it doesn't worry me. I wasn't called a great thief for nothing after all.

Currently though I should probably stop skipping classes and get back to this charade.

:-:-:

It seems that the school has taken way too long to be ended. As if that weren't enough I have cleaning duty for this week, so I'm stuck staying after school for another thirty minutes sweeping. I'm never one to grumble, so I take to the broom with a fake, but nonetheless there, smile.

A few girls giggle at me as I pass out the doors. Maybe my fan club didn't totally disappear with the rumors of me being a psycho murder. I'm sort of glad, in a way, that they aren't stalking my every move. I can actually breath freely once again, though it is bittersweet.

A few students are still lingering around the entrance as I leave. I hear a couple of them saying, "Hey, who's that strange kid? Is he someone's younger brother?"

I turn and look to see that Hiei, looking rather forlorn and irritated, as he stands near the entrance steps. I watch as a girl approaches him, "Hey, are you lost? Did you need help finding your brother?"

The look Hiei gives her is priceless and I can't help but let a laugh escape from my lips. As soon as I do, Hiei's eyes lock onto me and I see a strange emotion pass over his face. It takes me a second to realize that Hiei is blushing.

The girl follows his line of sight to look at me and suddenly I realize it's that girl from this morning, Aimi I think.

"Hey, Shuichi-kun! I didn't know you had a little bro!" she says as I approach them.

Hiei glowers and I smirk and put my arm around him. "No, he's not my brother. He's my cousin from out of town. You see, my relatives are visiting since…you know…the incident."

She smiles and instantly backs off knowing it's a rather 'taboo' topic. Just what I suspected she would do. She bides good-bye and I'm left alone with Hiei.

"Hn. You're too good at lying, fox." He says, looking at me uncomfortably.

I sigh, but then put on a bright smile for him. "It's just a hobby of mine."

:-:-:

We arrive home quickly. I can't believe Hiei actually came to met me. I think he was too bored cooped up in the house by himself. That theory is proved when I come home and discover the entire placed has been turned upside-down.

He looks at me guilty, but I say nothing. Plopping down on the couch, I decide that I might as well come straight out with want I'm planning to do this evening.

"You're going to do _what?_" he asks me, crossing his arms. I pout at him from where I sit on the couch. I really hope he doesn't put up too much of a fight.

"Well, if I have the police report I'm sure it'll give me some sort of lead, even if they are unaware of demonic presence. Besides, it'll hardly be a challenge for me." I reason. Hiei is well aware of my talents.

He glowers at me. "Fine then I'm going tonight too."

I had already anticipated that reaction as well. "I don't want anyone to get killed. It's a much bigger deal in the human world you know."

"Hn" is Hiei's only reply and I know he's given in. I smile happily at him and kiss him lightly on the lips.

Apparently he'd been missing me a lot more than I realized because before I knew a simple little kiss and turned into something a lot more. I guess he was worried for me, so he liked to take out his anxiousness out physically.

I took this moment to savor his sweet tongue grazing against mind and his hands entangling in my hair before I gently pulled him away.

"There's something else I need to talk to you about." I said while he gave me that 'you damn fox' look.

He seemed content enough to lie in my lap, so I continued. "I'm going to have to get a part-time job soon, so this means I may not be able to spend a lot of time home."

"Why would you need one of those," he asked me and I was once again reminded of his ignorance of the human world. I ran my fingers through his black hair and sighed.

"Money is very important here, and well, frankly we're running low. If we want to keep living comfortably…"I trailed off, but he seemed to have caught onto my point.

"Then I'll get one too.." he said, suddenly looking at me with conviction. I gave him a startled look.

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea…" I started but he gave me a silencing look. I sighed. Hiei was probably going to be very stubborn about this and the only thing I could see coming from it was something very bad.

The evening passed quietly. Hiei was probably anxious about my plans because he went to extra lengths to be open and emotional towards me. I was so tired though that I decided to take a nice nap, ignoring the homework sitting in my backpack. Sometimes there were just more important things in life.

:-:-:

:-:-:

:-:-:

:-:-:

Author's note: Yes, it's been a while. 8 months? Something like that. I'll always love Kurama and Hiei, so I'll probably end up coming back to this story after neglecting it for a while.


End file.
